Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
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“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-