Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
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“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
181.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so