So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
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alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding