maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
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No YOUR a grammar nazi!
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Smells like a challenge to me
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time