Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
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Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.