A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
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i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!