Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.