Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
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IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)