“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
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a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
The symmetry is uncanny.