The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses