A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.