I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
You Might Also Like
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
How to make infinite energy.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
BETRAYAL
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights