When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You Might Also Like
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
This rocks
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or