I think I’m having a stroke
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[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.