My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!πππ
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βHow was your first day of school sweetie?β
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
βOhβ¦Iβm sorryβ
*rips Batman shirt* IβM NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: Whatβs wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume itβs free to take, because thatβs a really cool mailbox.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Heβs a 10 but so is his volume.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
π ACME
βπ Traps
βπElaborate traps
βπ Roadrunner traps
βπElaborate roadrunner traps that work
ββ οΈ This folder is empty
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
my parents didnβt raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or theyβll break your heart and move in with your brother
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.