death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
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tourist season
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Cake safety first. Always.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.