me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
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Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
CRYING
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.