People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
You Might Also Like
Sign at work today
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Stop.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions