I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty