My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
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Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
You’ll be OK
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above