I’ll be mad as hell!
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Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay