A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.