next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
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It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
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Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
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me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire