Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Duck typos.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes