My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
You Might Also Like
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
hey, alexa
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Growing up was a huge mistake
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Herpes is trending, good job people
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.