“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Oh. My. God.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!