Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
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Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.