me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I need a headline like this
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.