“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
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My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years