And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.