Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
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I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*