Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
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Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.