Thrilling chase underway
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I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*