Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
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Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
pizza
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”