Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
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Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
#DesignFail
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.