“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it