A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Word!
finally found a reasonable question
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
how it started vs how it ended
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!