Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Love is always patient and kind.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.