Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N