Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
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Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
another case of gang violins
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.