its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
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Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?