Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
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My dad teaching me to drive
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The dark side of Canada
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Brilliant!
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.