[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
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“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
went fishing caught a bass
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM