BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂