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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”