Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
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coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum