Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
awkward
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.