Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
You Might Also Like
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
what’s more important?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast