netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
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“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
2023 was just a warmup
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.