getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”